The Blob and Global Warming

The earliest beginnings of the theory of Global Warming began in Downingtown, Pennsylvania in an unusual way in 1958. I know this is true because my wife said so. But she did have an epiphany on this and told me all about it and I almost always believe what my wife tells me because I know what's good for me if I don't. So trying to be faithful to my wife's rendition, I have faithfully attempted to translate her story in my own words without her knowledge.

A fiery meteor hits in the farming community of Downingtown, Pa, on the outskirts of town and lands in a farmer's corn field wiping out the town supply of Jiffy Pop popcorn. The farmer, Herman, rushes out to the corn field only to find a big smoking rock glowing red and making hissing noises like his wife Melba does. Curious, Herman picks up a stick and pokes at it the same way politicians do when a problem arises. Finally he gores it through and out oozes a red mass emitting a distinctive odor.

For centuries the Mayans had warned that one day earth would be consumed by a creature so hideous that politicians would welcome it with open arms, as if their on. Nostradamus, the chief priest of the Mayans had prognosticated, in between sacrificing babies that many would come to the altar of this creature bearing gifts, mostly cash.

Herman didn't know what to make of it. It had no form or function or a distinguishable feature other than it looked like Jello and was fat and moved very slowly. At first Herman thinks he has found Congress. Realizing that he was on to something big and uncontrollable he calls it, The Blob. He calls his friend at the local daily rag, Bob the Blab about the Blob to write a blip.

But before Herman can tell Blabber Bob the full story, the Blob, surrounds Herman and absorbs him much to Melba's delight. She attempts to speak to The Blob, but it makes toast of her.

By this time, The Blob has developed an affinity for absorbing humans and has found Earth bountiful. It quickly learns intuitively that it grows more in mass proportionate to its appetite and that humans are high in saturated fat, and can cause bouts of indigestion when absorbed too quickly.

By now, Blabber Bob has called his friend, Orson at the local TV station to broadcast the news to the townspeople. Orson puts out an emergency warning and the town warning sirens summons all the townspeople who weren't watching football to city hall to discuss health care. They decide it would be healthy to kill The Blob before it eats them but they had to take a vote.

In the meantime, The Blob was working its way through town absorbing everything in sight, storekeepers, mechanics, movie goers, and pretty women. The sad part is it didn't absorb any lawyers or politicians. Maybe the Blob just had good taste, or just recognized its own kind.

As the Blob rolls on unchallenged, Steve, the towns local James Dean, has the task of rallying the townspeople, police and The Mayor to get involved. Eventually this happens, after the ballgame is over and the police and fireman brainstorm ideas on how to stop it. They come up with a brilliant plan, to coax it out into the open where they will drop a live utility line on it with the hopes of burning it to ashes. They convene a beer summit to determine whether this is cruel and unusual punishment and if The Blob's rights would be violated. They determine that the beer is cold.

They gather all the townspeople that haven't paid their parking tickets and tie them down in the middle of town square in an attempt to coax the Blob out into the open. This works, as The Blob is an opportunist and sees an easy target to absorb. While it munches on its prey, the utility line is cut and it falls on The Blob who barely wiggles as all of the 110 volts courses through its sizable mass. Unfortunately it also falls on the local diner, setting fire to it and raising the utility rates in the form of a surcharge for excess usage.

The Blob seeking revenge against the townspeople chases Steve and his girlfriend into the burning diner. The Blob oozes itself all over the diner and seeps through every orifice in an attempt to get a hamburger with fries, but settles for Steve with a slather of mayonnaise.

However, Steve has a flashback of when they were chased into a cooler at the grocery store after the Blob consumed the storekeeper earlier in the day. Shutting the cooler door behind them the Blob began to ooze underneath the door, but suddenly withdraws itself. Steve has a Kodak moment and realizes that the reason was due to the cold in the cooler.

Knowing now that the Blob hates cold he picks up a fire extinguisher loaded with CO2. Chasing the gargantuan Blob he begins spraying it with CO2 while the diner burns to the ground.

The Blob starts withdrawing from the diner and ends up out in the open again. By this time the news is out to find all the CO2 fire extinguishers that can be found. The police summons all the teenagers in town to break into the local school and it wasn't even Saturday night yet. They happily complied and ransacked the local schoolhouse confiscating all the fire extinguishers and began sniffing them.

Now, they all gather in town square and on the command of the fire chief begin foaming the Blob until it is frozen as a rock. The town of Downingtown, Pa is saved.

The military is called in to dispose of the now frozen Blob after photo ops and great oratory. A military helicopter attaches the Blob to the bottom and delivers it to the Arctic Circle, somewhere in New York. It drops it into the frozen tundra where scientists determined it will stay frozen for eternity.

However, the Blob has other ideas and has been frozen for over 50 years now. What the scientists didn't think of was all of those CO2 emissions would eventually cause a warming effect by depleting the ozone layer. The Blob knew this all alone and absorbed all of that CO2 and is now releasing it causing mass melting of arctic glaciers, ozone layers thereby creating global warming.

So, whenever you hear politicians blaming mankind for depleting the ozone layer, you will know that the truth is the Blob lives.

Author: Jeff Riley